Closing a Chapter, Turning a Page

For 14 summers we’ve been coming to Hickory Lake Campground near Aitkin, MN. We purchased a lot in 2007, a year after our son Scott purchased the campground with the intention of turning it into a Common Interest Community, or association of owners. That turnover was completed a couple of years ago, and Scott & Jen have moved on. Now it’s our turn, but more on that later. First I’ll reminisce for a bit.

At one point Mark & Tami had a site at the campground also, for a period of a couple of years, I believe. Jim & I loved that, of course…having both families here, and Kimi would drive up to visit also. Lots of fun laughs, conversations on decks, around campfires, celebrating birthdays. We never tire of times with our kids/grandkids!

I tend to get nostalgic when changes happen like this, so I walked around the campground this morning, thinking about all the things that have gone on here in the past 14 years. In the early years when Owen was just 4-5, we had to teach him to watch for our curtains to go up before he came over to knock on our door! He would be so excited to come to see Grandpa and Grandma–we’d hear this little knock-knock-knock, and we’d still be sound asleep! Owen, and later Noah, would stay for a week by himself for “Grandma Camp”. We’d have all kinds of special things planned for just the 3 or 4 of us. Campfires with marshmallows were the best! Scott & Jen sold off the last lots 3 years ago, so we no longer have them 1/2 block away. We have missed them a lot, and certainly have missed having the boys close by.

Jim and I were called into duty more than once. Scott would hire managers, they’d spend a couple of weeks and then decide it was too much work, and they would leave. Then, until he could hire replacements, Mom and Dad would step in keep things going. For a few years I was Scott’s onsite salesperson. People would stop in and want information about purchasing a lot, and I would show them around the campground, and explain how it all worked. And then there’s the story that has now become both a family and campground legend: Jim loves to clean things up, so one year he decided to clean up a lot of brush and small trees between our place and the lake. He took his chain saw and was having a great time…until Scott had to stop his fun and explain that the DNR doesn’t allow the removal of any brush/trees in that area. “Dad! You can’t do that?” We’ve had many laughs about that!

I had a favorite spot where I liked to sit. There’s a platform close to the lake with 2 Adirondack chairs. Not many people sit there, but I love to go there first thing in the morning and meditate. It’s one of the things I will miss the most about Hickory Lake Campground–having a spot where I feel some ‘ownership’.

Another thing that I will miss greatly are our neighbors on each side of us. If one could handpick neighbors, the Shafers and the Boldenows would be on the top of the list! We’re a generation older than they are, but have never felt excluded in any way. We’ve had countless Happy Hours on one deck or another where we’ve laughed and solved many of the world’s problems. It’s the kind of experience you just can’t replace!

So, why are we making this change in our lives now when we’re still loving it at the lake? Maybe because we have tried to stay ahead of the curve in each of our last moves. In 2004 when we left our 3400 square foot home on 1.3 acres where we had lived for 15 years on a beautiful lake near Fergus Falls, people were shocked. Why would we leave lake living and move to the ‘big city’? Because lake living had become work…hard work…for both of us. We were in our early 60’s, still had some years to work, and had all of our kids living in Mpls/St. Paul. Jim had a job offer at 2 hospitals there, so we downsized to a 2300 square foot home in Shoreview, packed up and moved. Seven years later we had both retired, and now in our late 60’s ,we found a townhome with 1600 sq/ft, and called the movers again! By then we had also purchased our lot at HLC, so we had 2 homes we enjoyed.

Now at 73 and 76 we find ourselves weighing the pros and cons of driving 2.5 hours each way to enjoy the lake, plus all the other things that need to be done just to live in 2 different places. We reached the time when the pros of simplifying outweighed the pros of having a lake place. And so, we put it up for sale…except…we emailed our neighbors first so that they weren’t taken by surprise. And 10 minutes later the Boldenows emailed back that they would like to buy it! Two weeks later, we have cleaned everything out that needs to go, and we are ready to leave.

We’ve been married 53 years, 44 of which we have owned a piece of lakeshore–a cabin for 15 years, a lake home for 15 years, and 14 years on the campground. How blessed we have been!

And next? Well, we have a home we love in St. Paul. I have gardens surrounding our patio, which is a very peaceful place to eat our meals or read our books. Mainly we look forward to having more time in which to enjoy things in our city and area.

Here are a few HLC photos to share:

Our home and garden

4th of July Bike parade

Loon mama and babies

Pair of swans

Scott, Noah & Grandpa going fishing

The lady slipper plants that increase each year.

CoronaVirus and Kenya

 

April 16, 2020

 

An update on our friends in Bamburi, Kenya

Personal News-Peter and family

I’ve had many people ask me about Peter, his family, and the school and Women’s Center during this pandemic time. Thanks for caring!  Here’s some of the latest news:

I continue to stay in touch with Peter every day. He and his family are staying quarantined, except for trips to the grocery store and bank. That much is good news.

But they have major struggles: During this time, Peter has no income. In the past, he had two sources of income: salary from the school, and stipend from housing volunteers in their home. Both are now gone. Last week I wired money to him from our Peter’s Hope account which will help carry him through April with both his school and women’s center expenses, including his own salary. But that account is nearly empty.

Peter’s family lives in a very densely populated area of the city where nearly everyone has known only poverty their entire lives. This situation really has everyone frightened.

 

Many people are not following the government guidelines for social distancing. Just as in the US, people living in poverty and in dense populations have less protection in general. They have no masks. (I sent Peter a picture of a mask made by my nephew out of a t-shirt.) There’s no such thing as health insurance, and they’re terrified about what will happen if they do get sick.

We worry about what’s happening with our 401K’s…Peter (and others) worry about whether they can feed their families. Today he sent me pictures of children picking up food that he had ordered with money a former volunteer had sent him. (See below)

His other major worry is housing. His family lives in a home that was meant to house volunteers, and when they’ve had volunteers, they can afford the rent. But with no volunteers, Peter is now searching for other housing with lower rent. So far he has been not been able to find anything.

School News

All schools are cancelled indefinitely throughout Kenya. The additional hardship for Peter’s students is that they aren’t getting fed. Peter always fed the students with a healthy amount of rice and beans, and for many, that would be their only food that day.

Twice in the past month he has been able to distribute sacks of corn flour to his students, thanks to our contributions and that of a former volunteer from Norway. But he has not had enough for all the families, and none for the teachers, who also need it.

The teachers were paid in March, and hopefully Peter will be able to pay them in April. The landlord at the school expects the rent to be paid as well. 

Women’s Center

The Women’s Center is also closed. The situation there is much the same as the school.

Many students at the Center are also mothers of the school students, who are single, with no income. In today’s pictures I recognized many of the women and children. My heart aches for them!

What can we do?

You are probably getting requests every day to help people in need—many in our own city and neighborhoods. How do we choose? Where do we place our giving priorities at a time when our own resources are shrinking?

I have struggled about whether I dare add Peter’s Hope to the list of places to give at this time of belt- tightening. With today’s news from Peter, I could no longer wait. There’s no way to sugarcoat it: their situation is dire.

The mission of Peter’s Hope is to provide funding to the school and Women’s Center. By contributing now, you can help pay salaries, rent, and the purchase of food to be given to the children.

If you can help, please send a check to Peter’s Hope 1208 St. Clair Ave., St. Paul,MN 55105

Thank you!

And that is my Soul Story for today…this one has really tugged at my heart and soul!

 

How’s the mental health doing?

As a retired mental health professional, I am thinking a lot about how people are coping emotionally with the inevitable stress of this time.  It’s not a stretch to say that this time in our lives is horrible!  It’s terrible!  It’s gut-wrenching!  It’s sad!  It’s upsetting!  Fill in the blank…there are all kinds of words that we may not even like to use, but they describe how we’re thinking and feeling at this time.

Pretty discouraging, eh?  Why would I want to write a blog post that is downright miserable?!  Let’s just all be happy, right?  Let’s pump each other up!  Let’s look on the bright side!  Well…hang in there with me.  I promise not to be Debbie Downer throughout this entire post!  But first, here’s a little  mental health ‘secret’: our pain, our discouragement, our grief…all of those dark emotions…they won’t just dissipate into thin air because we try to ‘look on the bright side’.  I have facilitated many, many grief groups over the years, and one of the first things I told them is this:  You cannot walk around your grief, your pain–you can’t avoid it, talk yourself out of it, or put it off for another day;  you have to walk through it before you’ll get to the other side.

How does this apply to what we’re going through?  Mainly it has to do with “naming” our emotions.  When I had colon cancer and was going through some horrible chemo treatments, I would sometime just shout: “Damn, I am so angry about this damn cancer!  I hate it!  I hate the chemo!  This whole process just pisses me off!!”  Get the picture?  And often I could follow that with singing a hymn, saying a prayer…overall being more calm.  It a process of being honest with ourselves–Yes, we WILL get through this together–but in the midst of it we will also feel some pretty dark emotions.  Let’s be honest about them, because that clears the path for letting them go, rather that letting them rule over us.

I have mentioned before that most mornings I read a meditation sent out by Father Richard Rohr.  In Wednesday’s meditation, he quoted author and pastor Brian McClaren, whom I will quote here, totally without permission! (insert one or two mia culpas here!)

Anxieties can gray the whole sky like cloud cover or descend on our whole horizon like fog. When we rename our anxieties, in a sense we distill them into requests. What covered the whole sky can now be contained in a couple of buckets. So when we’re suffering from anxiety, we can begin by simply holding the word help before God, letting that one word bring focus to the chaos of our racing thoughts. Once we feel that our mind has dropped out of the frantic zone and into a spirit of connection with God, we can let the general word help go and in its place hold more specific words that name what we need, thereby condensing the cloud of vague anxiety into a bucket of substantial request. So we might hold the word guidance before God. Or patience. Or courage. Or resilience. Or boundaries, mercy, compassion, determination, healing, calm, freedom, wisdom, or peace. . . . [2]

Good stuff!!  And if God isn’t your thing, I think the  practice will work also with “the universe” or “a higher power”…or whatever you find that is larger than you are.

I don’t think we can avoid anxiety right now.  For me it sneaks up on me…I’m feeling “pretty good”, and suddenly I feel directionless/disoriented, like, “Where am I? How did I get here, and What do I do NOW?”  Or I feel so totally powerless!  This “thing” is SO BIG!  And I’m stuck (or choosing to stay) at home where I’m not much help to anyone.

Ok…let’s talk about our best ways to deal with it: name it, look it in the eye, and then  find ways to ‘walk with it‘ that help us feel like the anxiety has less of a grip on us.

• ~~take lots and lots and lots of deep breaths—inhale to slow count of 4, hold for 4, exhale to count of 6, repeat, repeat, repeat
• ~~meditation if it’s helpful, my two favorites are: https://spiritinthedesert.org/daily-devotions-steve-holm/,  and meditations@cac.org.  But there are many, many options.  Find something to begin your day that centers and grounds you–that’s the important thing.
• ~~yoga and/or t’ai chi–I found a you tube yoga lesson.  There are many. I’m sure the same is true for t’ai chi.
• ~~get outside–We go each day with 2 neighbors/friends.  It’s a commitment on the part of all of us, which keeps us accountable.
• ~~look for the joy in all of creation
• ~~make a daily “to do” list—this really helps me to stay focused…it helps with that disorienting feeling that I spoke about above.  Include many things from this list on your list.  Enjoy crossing things off, but don’t get down on yourself if some things don’t get crossed off…just let them flow into tomorrow’s list
• ~~call friends—this is a stretch for me–I’m not a phone caller, but I put it on my list and I’m doing it!
• ~~light a candle
• ~~listen to music–I’m loving Pandora more and more each day
• ~~stay disciplined with your schedule, your eating, your drinking—really, really important!
• ~~severely restrict social media—in other words, practice good social distancing from social media!
• ~~stay informed, but not overwhelmed
• ~~laugh
• ~~hug the people who you live with
• ~~play games
• ~~do a jigsaw puzzle
• ~~hold a Zoom conference with family or friends–I’ve done a Zoom Happy Hour, coffee party, family meeting, and 2 Bible studies.  A week ago I hadn’t heard of Zoom!
• ~~clean a closet, a drawer, dust under the bed for heaven’s sake!
• ~~read something you really enjoy
• ~~watch a funny movie…or not so funny-whatever you’ll enjoy
• ~~do things that bring you joy!
• ~~give thought to the universalism of this issue–we truly are ALL in this together, whether living in a mansion, or a cage along the border; whether in a relatively privileged country like the US, or a very under-privileged country in Africa, Central America, Mideast; whether our skin is light, dark or in-between; whether we are gay, straight, or other; whether we are leaders or those being led.
  

COVID-19 simply knows no boundaries…I wonder what we will learn from all this.

Be well, my friends

And that’s my Soul Story for the beginning of my 2nd week of isolation.

How’re ya doin’?

Ah yes….it’s been awhile! Well, I‘ve been busy, and I’ve not been ‘inspired’, so why write an uninspiring post?! I hope this one is not…uninspiring, that is.

So how are you doing? How are you coping? Great?? Not so great?? Count me in that second group. This sucks in so many ways, doesn’t it? And I speak from a vantage point of being pretty darned privileged! I CAN stay at home. I don’t need child care, I haven’t had my minimum wage job fall out from under me, I’m not putting my life at risk every day because my job demands that I be ‘in place’ as opposed to working from home, I’m not in the category of ‘frail elderly’ nor is my body compromised nearly as much as others…and on and on the list goes. This current situation really sucks for many, many people.

So, even as I write the above paragraph, I wonder…why am I “not coping all that well”?

We just returned from Arizona where we had intended to stay until the end of March…we had the rent paid through March 31. And we love the warmth…and the time spent with friends…and the privilege (there’s that word again!) of doing as little as we want on any given day. But last Sunday (was that only 4 days ago??), I was on a long walk, having a chat with God…yes, that’s still one type of multi-tasking that I’m capable of! Now, usually when I’m chatting with God, my anxiety level doesn’t necessarily increase, but I found the more steps I took, the more I was feeling uneasy. When I got home, I told Jim I thought we should seriously consider going home…soon. I wanted to talk it over with our kids to see if they thought I/we were overreacting. Three kids…three somewhat varied responses, from: Yes, please do.…to: Might be a really good idea….to: Whatever you feel most comfortable with. By the end of the day, we had hauled out our suitcases and begun to pack. On Monday we were invited to be with friends (2 other couples) for a “6-feet social isolation happy hour”, and since we knew this would be the last time to see them for a long time, we didn’t want to miss it.

Tuesday a.m. we headed east and north. Wednesday we picked up my brother in Oklahoma City…his family brought him there from Laredo, TX, not wanting him to fly home to MN. Thursday we arrived at home by 1:00 pm, after having traveled 1770 miles. I was SO glad to be home…for about 10 minutes. Then it hit me…this is where I would be spending a WHOLE lot of time for who knows how long?! Don’t get me wrong…this is where I want to be if I am going to isolate and self-quarantine. For that reason, I’m very glad to be home. But…I’m a go-er, a do-er, a let’s-get-together-er. Have car, will travel! And, I was quite aware that I was being pretty darn hard on myself for not adjusting more quickly to this ‘new normal’…like right now! Get with it, Carolyn!

Then I looked at a few posts on Facebook, and saw that a whole lot of other people were in a very similar spot. This new reality is still so fresh, so unbelievable in many ways…what?? 18 damn months? Are you kidding me? How about 18 days? I think I could wrap my head around that, but 18 months??? How are we going to make it?  Well, I actually found some pretty good inspiration among those same FB posts. So…realizing that I am boldly plagiarizing, I put together a list. I like lists…they make me feel like I have some control over my life. It’s all a big myth, I know, but it makes me feel better!

There are some things I have decided I need to limit courageously. It’s a short list!
1.  Online retail therapy: who needs more financial stress?!
2.  Food therapy (I’m not talking carrots and celery here!): who needs more calories from chips, sweets, chips, etc…?
3.  Wine Therapy: OMG—did I really say that? Well, this is one that falls into the category of “limit courageously”…not cutting it out. My reasoning is— once again it’s empty calories, but more than that, it doesn’t help with depression and anxiety…and it’s no secret that I struggle with both at times.
4.  Online games: Ok I’ll allow a few each day, but they are really mind numbing!
5.  TV watching: I watch very little, but I need even less right now…particularly when a certain man with unnaturally blond hair is once again telling us what a great job he’s doing leading this country. Gotta turn it off and lower my blood pressure.
6.  Political talk (which I just did, I know!): I’m pretty sure I know who is going to be running against whom, so I really don’t want to spend a whole lot of time talking about it between now and the fall.
7.  Social media: I plan to set two times per day that I’ll go online to see what good stuff I can glean…and let the chaff blow where it will.

Maybe I’ll find more things to add, but that’s where my “To Not Do” list is at this moment.

Now on to a list of things that I can draw upon each day when I wonder what I’m going to do with all my time at home. No particular order—just a list:
1.  Make a list for each day. Include both fun and not-so-fun stuff.
2.  Walk
3.  Yoga (via CDs that I can dust off)
4.  Podcasts (Richard Rohr, Gloria Dei, NPR/MPR)
5.  Extended meditation time
6.  Journaling
7.  Centering prayer (thanks Katie)                                                                                                 8.  Jigsaw puzzles (thanks Lois)
9.   Books (duh!)
10.  Clean my house, but not go overboard—one room at a time (should I thank Tim Strand?)
11.  Clean/purge our storage area
12.  Movies
13.  Virtual coffee time with friends
14.  Photo project (it’s sprawled across our lower level!)
15.  Play/sing along with favorite hymns/songs (Gotta make a playlist!)
16.  Light candles and diffuse essential oils more often
17.  Send cards to my hospice patient, whom I can’t visit, and who isn’t verbal enough for phone calls
18.  Play online games with my grandsons (must check to see if this is possible)
19.  Set up a freeze on my credit scores (why haven’t I done that before??!)
20.  Hit the task list for Peter’s Hope—the nonprofit I now run for the school and women’s center where I volunteered in Kenya. Sheesh! This list just keeps getting longer! I can spend a whole lot of hours getting some things done here!

Well…that’s enough to keep me busy, out of trouble…and hopefully in a state of less anxiety, less depression. Please feel free to tell me about your list! I’d love to get further inspiration!

A parting thought: I’m sure you are aware that we are all in a state of heavy grieving. The losses that we are experiencing, both collectively and personally, weigh a ton! There’s not a lot that I can say that hasn’t been said…not going to try to go there. I’m going to make a list (there it is again, that list thing!) of the personal losses of which I am aware because I think that will help me in the grieving that I am doing. Three really big ones for me: 1. I have no idea when we’ll get to see our kids. 2. I can’t get together with my siblings (all in their 80’s and 90’s) like we’ve been doing monthly for several years; 3. I can’t do the outreach/presentations for Peter’s Hope that are so important to me. The list will be much longer than that, but these are particularly heavy.

I’m closing (thanks for hanging in there with me, if you’ve read this far!) with a prayer that has been particularly important to me for many, many years and seems apropos for now.

O God, you have called your servants to ventures of which we cannot see the ending, by paths as yet untrodden, through perils unknown.
Give us faith to go out with good courage, not knowing where we go,
but only that your hand is leading us and your love supporting us;
through Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen.

Peters Hope

I begin writing this post as I sit in darkness, except for the light from my iPad, and a few outdoor lights a block or so away. It is 5:30 am, and I’m lounging on the patio of our hotel in Mexico.  Waves are gently crashing over the rocks in front on the hotel and the sound creates a wonderful backdrop for my morning meditation and contemplation. It is 72 degrees, and it does not escape me that I am privileged and blessed to be exactly where I am.

It is about one year ago now since a little seed was planted inside my head…a seed that grew into the idea of volunteering overseas ‘somewhere’.  I wondered if I was being crazy to even think of such a thing at my age.  I tested it out on family and friends, expecting at least some sane voice that would tell me I shouldn’t even think of such a venture.  Instead I heard “Go fo it!”, “Good for you!”, and “That doesn’t surprise me at all!”.

It’s almost exactly 5 months now since I dragged my overloaded suitcases onto a plane and flew 18 hours/1800+ miles to Kenya.  All I knew ‘for certain’ was that I would be volunteering in a Women’s Empowerment Center in Mombasa, living with the director of that center. That was it.  What I discovered was women eager to learn all they could about braiding hair and sewing garments…all for the eventual hope of earning a small income for their families, for their children, and with the hope that the children would gain a better education than the mothers or grandmothers had.

I also discovered the school next door where 90 children, who came from the poorest of the poor in their community, were being educated by dedicated teachers who not only taught them 6 subjects each day, but also cooked their noon lunch of rice and beans…providing possibly the only meal they would eat that day. The school was ‘rugged’ at best…a rat hole at the worst. But the children were clean, polite, and eager to learn.

What or who was behind all these learning opportunities?  What/Who created this little oasis of education in the middle of such an impoverished neighborhood?  Peter Bamford Ochieng.  Peter saw children who needed to be schooled, and in 2007 began a project with only a dream. 13 years later he continues to expand on that dream, and does it primarily on faith…believing that God will walk with him and provide what is needed to continue his work with the school and Women’s Center.  His inspirational spirit is contagious, and just like someone unvaccinated for the flu, I caught  “it”, brought it home, and am trying hard to pass along the contagion to everyone who will dare to come in contact with me!  (Insert smiley face here!)

So much has happened in the 4 months since I’ve returned. Here is a very brief synopsis:  I gave 2 presentations where family and friends generously donated $4000; Peter put that money to use by purchasing textbooks and supplies for the new school year which started in January; he paid off various debts that the school had been carrying; he found a new building in the same neighborhood, and after some retrofitting, his 90 students will move in sometime in February.  He will have 6 classrooms instead of 4, the children will have REAL bathrooms (that is truly one of the most exciting things for me!!), and they’ll have a small grassy patch for a playground. These are all HUGE improvements over the unsanitary building where he has been for 13 years.

Meanwhile, I have been busy establishing a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization called Peters Hope.  The state of MN has given us corporate status, and I’ve sent in all necessary paperwork to the IRS for tax deductible status…articles of incorporation, bylaws, yada, yada.  We’ve established a board of directors made up of family members, (an accountant, investment fund manager, IT specialist, nonprofit executive) and a good friend/neighbor (retired U of MN professor). Next steps include a strategic plan, a website, and a video for marketing purposes…and God only knows what else…literally…God only knows!!

I thought others should know about Peters Hope, and what has happened in such a short time.  “It” won’t let go of me!  I’m infected for the long term!  I hope you, my readers, will stay with me for the journey, wherever that will go.

That’s my Soul Story!

I Wonder…as I Wander

Christmas Eve/Day…how will you be spending it?  Do you have traditions that are carried out each year, and bring comfort to you because…well, that’s what traditions do.  They make us feel good, safe, centered.  They often bring us to “who we are”…our core, our spirit and soul. 

I treasure the Christmas traditions that I celebrated as a child growing up, and those that we’ve had as a family in the 52+ years that we’ve been married.  And I also treasure new practices that have entered our family along with new people and experiences that have entered.  

But today I wonder…what is Christmas like for many others in this world–those who don’t have the solid, comforting traditions that I hold so dear.  I invite you to wonder, as I wander through those who come to mind. 

What is Christmas like for…

~~the person on the street corner who hopes someone will extend their hand with a sign of recognition, a smile of respect, a word of encouragement, a touch of nourishment

 ~~the widow/widower who recently lost her/his spouse, the child who is missing his/her parent who is no longer with them…a recent loss or long ago

~~the family on the border who has already risked all they had, and now is kept in limbo, wondering about their future

~~the resident in the nursing home who only has further debilitation to look forward to 

~~the adult who longs to go home, but for whom “home” is full of painful memories  

~~the teenager who has ‘screwed up’ again and feels like a complete failure      

What is Christmas like for…               

~~the woman who may have peace today, but lives with the awful anticipation and fear of the next temper tantrum, the next beating         

  ~~the people in war-torn countries, far from us, who long for peace, who long for home        

~~the person with memory loss who can no longer celebrate, who no longer recognizes much loved family members…or who still knows his/her family, but wonders if this is the last year he/she will be able to do so  

 ~~the atheist who wonders (perhaps?) what Christmas is really all about

 ~~the person whose anger feels uncontrollable, and feels totally unloved

  ~~the parent who longs to provide for her/his children but has been unable to, and the family is now homeless

 ~~the children who long for a home other than a homeless shelter…or a car…or the streets

 ~~the husband and wife who know their marriage is over

What is Christmas like for…     

~~the young woman who miscarried…is she able to celebrate with Mary who gave birth to a son?

 ~~the young black man who experiences suspicion and rejection…is he able to see past the whiteness that we paint into every Nativity scene?        

~~the addict who has tried countless times to break from his/her addiction…are they able to hear the angel choirs alongside the shepherds?

I went to church on Christmas Eve and experienced the joy of once again hearing the familiar story from Luke’s gospel.  The church was packed; I was in the front looking out since I was Assisting Minister.  I wondered, as I gazed in their direction, how many of the people looking back at me were experiencing something other than joy, something less than peace.  I wandered down the aisle, passing the peace during the offering, which is one of the ‘duties’ of the Assisting Minister.  I shook hands and looked into the eyes of many people, wishing them God’s peace…and wondered what kind of joy, peace, or pain they were feeling.  I shook the hand of a woman whose husband died just a few weeks ago, I shook the hand of a man who looked like he just came in off the streets…he reminded me of, perhaps, the shepherds.  We all have a story…and sometimes the Christmas story brings out our greatest joy, and sometimes we are left with emptiness, sadness, pain.  Sometimes there are no gifts to unwrap, no carols to sing.

I hope we can all wonder about those who wander among us.  Can we see the yearning for kindness, for respect, for love, for generosity, for a loving touch, an encouraging word, a hug? 

My wish for all who read this post is that you will be able to find joy and peace…either in the receiving of it from those you love, or the giving it to others you may find as you wonder and wander…or both!

That’s my Soul Story for this Christmas Eve.  Merry Christmas to each and every one of you!

 

 

A Perspective on Aging

It seems that I should be posting a list of those things for which I am thankful.  That’s the thing to do at Thanksgiving time, right?  Well, I do have a long list, but that is not the focus of this post.  Let’s talking aging. Pretty uplifting, yes?!

I just came home from my (almost) weekly visit with my hospice patient. Her body is in a very sad debilitative state, but her mind is a sharp as ever at age 93.   I’ve been volunteering with hospice for 3-4 years now.  I can’t tell you how many times I have said to myself, “I think this is my last patient.”  It’s not that I don’t enjoy my visits, or that they aren’t fulfilling, or that I don’t feel that I’m doing something that is deeply appreciated by both the patients and their families, as well as the staff of the hospice agency.  It’s that I’m getting sadder about aging!  There I said it!  I’m darn sad about aging, and visiting people that are dying just brings it to the surface more and more all the time!

All of my patients have been in facilities–assisted living, memory care, skilled nursing facilities.  (A slight off-the-subject side note:  That last term, sometimes called SNF’s, is just the latest iteration on a term that used to be “nursing homes” and before that “homes for the aged”.  What?  We don’t want our loved ones in “nursing homes” anymore?  I guess SNF is meant to be an improvement.)  So when I go to see my patient, I also see many others who are similarly in need of a high level of care.  And it’s only natural, I think, to feel sad about how debilitated many of the residents are.  But I am discovering that the sadness is not just about them.  It’s also about me.

Now this isn’t my first rodeo with a “nursing home”. (I use that term because that is where my mom spent the last year of her life, in 2001-2002, and at that time we called it a nursing home.)   She was in a facility in the same town where I worked, and we lived less than 10 miles away.  So for the 350+ days that she was there, I probably visited her 325 of those days.  I made it my mission that she would have someone visiting her every day, and I only took  days off when some other family member was going to be there.

I recall feeling sad about the conditions that many of her co-residents were experiencing, but I was sad for THEM, and not necessarily for ME.

So what has changed, I ask myself?  Why do I walk out of whatever facility I am in, and feel so darn sad…now as much for myself as for the residents that I just saw in the hallways?  Well…could it be that in 2001-2002 I was 54-55, and now I’m 73?  Ah-ha! I think that has a lot to do with it!  Now I am 17-18 years closer to the age of the people I’m seeing in the rooms and hallways.  Now I have experienced my own losses in term of physical abilities.  I’ve had a nasty bout with colon cancer, as well as 18 years-and-counting with lymphoma; I have neuropathy that keeps me from walking as far and as fast as I used to; I have arthritis in my hands, creaky knees, slowing mind, permanent glasses.  Enough already, yes?!

Well…one more addition to the ‘perspective’ thing.  Jim is now 5 weeks out from his surgery to replace his formerly replaced aortic valve. (If that doesn’t make sense to you, refer back to a few posts ago) His recovery is slow, as in giant-tortoise-speed slow.  The past few days he can FINALLY say that he has a tiny remembrance of what his normal health used to feel like, and maybe some hope that he can get there again.  Those first 4 weeks were pretty darn hard on both of us.  Many times I looked at him and thought,  “He is looking like an OLD man.  Will he ever recover to the point that he DOESN’T look old?”  Man…those were sad thoughts.  (And, I’m not going to elaborate on the other things that have made him miserable these past few weeks.  I’ll spare you that!)

Reality is…I’m 73, Jim is 75. We are NOT young anymore.  And I just don’t happen to like that.  Period!   I know, people in their 80’s or 90’s would tell us we’re still young…but we aren’t.  We’re just youngER than they are.

Am I just going to wallow in my sadness, whine about our aging bodies?  No–it was just at the top of my mind after visiting  at the SNF with my hospice patient.   And I thought it was worth writing about.

What’s my point?  Well…perhaps that as we continue to pile up the years, our perspective on aging and dying changes. (This is not breaking news, by the way.) Debilitation and death come into sharper view…and that leaves one, sometimes, in a pensive, reflective mood.  Sound familiar to anyone?

And just so I don’t end on such a downer…I am VERY thankful for all the blessings that are showered upon us every day.  AND…I plan to be around for a long time to keep being thankful and keep on the receiving end of those blessings!

That’s my Soul Story for today.  Happy Thanksgiving!!

Kenya: Adventure and Opportunity

Just a quick announcements about my next presentation on Tuesday, Dec 3, 10:00-11:30 a.m. at Gloria Dei Lutheran Church, 700 S. Snelling Ave., St. Paul.  Come if you can, and bring a friend if you’d like.

Carolyn

Once again–2 updates

Just passing along updates on a couple of things/people dear to my heart:  #1:  Jim!  He is now a little over 3 weeks passed his assault, ahem–surgery!  [Side note:  A friend and I were chatting before church today, and commented that if someone on the street had done to Jim the kind of ‘damage’ that the surgery did, that person would be jailed for assault and battery!! Ha!  Well, fortunately it was a very skilled surgeon who ‘assaulted’ him, so no charges will be filed!]

Jim has begun cardiac rehab where he works hard for one hour, 3x/week.  He comes home tired, takes a nap and tries to recover before he needs to go again.  We have also done a couple social outings this past week, so life is looking a bit more normal for him.  And since he can be alone at home during the day for a moderate chunk of time, I’ve resumed some of my regular outings as well.  What a relief it is to get back to a routine that closely resembles our old ‘normal’!

This week he visits his cardiologist, and next week his surgeon–both important milestones in his recovery.  He’s hoping to get driving privileges back either this week or next.  Good progress all the way around!

#2: The other update has to do with my Kenya projects, which I had to set aside for a couple of weeks.  Even so, I have maintained almost daily contact with Peter through chats on WhatsApp.  (If you don’t know what that is–don’t worry!)  I have now been back to work setting up a couple of presentations, and getting an informal organization set up to receive/send donations to the school and women’s center.

Tomorrow (Monday, 11/18) I will be giving a slide show and talk to anyone who wishes to come.  It will be at my sister’s senior living facility:  Founder’s Ridge at 6600 Auto Club Rd. in Bloomington.  It’s at 2:00 and should last about an hour or a little more.  Please feel welcome to join me there.  Another one will be set up in early December at our church in St. Paul  I’ll send out details once I have them.

Also–please know I am most willing to give presentations to any size group at any time.  Although it is certainly my hope that such a presentation will generate at least some financial support for Peter’s programs, that is not a necessary part of any presentation that I do.  If you’d just like to see slides and hear tales of Kenya, you’re on!

Since I now have set up and registered an association–St. Peter’s Mountain Centers Foundation–and have set up a bank account for it, I am formally ready to accept donations.  Quite a few people have shown an interest in giving to Peter’s school or women’s center, which I deeply appreciate.  I know I sent out an attachment a few weeks ago with information regarding the needs of the programs, but I have revised that document, making it more concise and easier to understand, I hope. I will attach the new, two-page doc.  Please give some consideration to either a one time donation or ongoing  support to help.

If you are so inclined to make a contribution(s), let me know via email, Facebook message, text message, or (gasp!) a phone call!  My email:  chtonneson@yahoo.com. I’ll count on many of you knowing my phone number–I hesitate to announce that via Facebook!  Below is the link for contribution info.  Hopefully it works!

Giving Options

After a 3 week ‘pause’, it feels so good to be where we’re at!  I’m so thankful that this ‘pause’ was a short-lived one.  I know many people have to put their lives on pause for much longer and for much more serious situations.  Our journeys differ.  But if there is one thing that became so clear to me in my work in Kenya is that we are all one!  We all suffer, we all cry out in pain, we all love, we all laugh…we are all one human race.  May we all respect and love that oneness!

My Soul Story for today!

Carolyn

 

 

Update on Jim T

It’s been nearly a week since we escaped from hospital care…and so much has happened, but most of it fairly mundane.  Jim was tired, I was tired…we both spent the first few days in a state of total exhaustion.  But since one of us had to care for the other, it was the ‘caring’ part that resulted in my exhaustion.  Boy, have I felt ‘my age’ lately.  And guess what–in the middle of this past exhausting week,  I had a birthday, which only managed to remind me that indeed, I am getting older!

Well, enough of that talk.  Jim is feeling stronger, and just like that–so am I!  Actually, I will attribute much of my feeling stronger to the wisdom of Jim’s home care nurse who asked if I had considered acupuncture to help with my exhaustion and anxiety.  Well, no I hadn’t.  But since I had experienced acupuncture in the past, and knew it could be very helpful in many ways, I did a little googling and found a community clinic very close to where we live.  Go figure!!  It’s a God thing!!  It is!  I felt better after the first treatment, and even better after the second.  So…I have much of my energy and optimism back intact.  (I sure did miss it when it was gone!!)

Today we spent nearly 3 hours at United’s Heart Specialty Clinic.  Jim was checked by a Physician’s Assistant, 2 nurses, 2 lab techs, one EKG tech, and one pacemaker nurse.  Although it took a long time and was pretty tiring, we came away being so thankful for the excellent care that is available to us.  He was pronounced in good shape from top to bottom!  Granted he is still moving slowly and cautiously, as can only be expected 12 days out from major surgery.  This week Home Health will be here two more times, and then he graduates to Cardiac Rehab.  Woo-hoo!!

Not only are we thankful for the excellent health resources, but we are HUGELY thankful for kids who live close and step in to help and support in SO many ways.  The list is long in terms of what they have done…and continue to do.  Whether they realize it or not, I think they are experiencing “a foretaste of things to come”!   Who among us has not lived through times of aging parents needing extra help…and then more help, etc?  I remember those days well with both Jim’s parents and mine.  And now…we are them!  Sigh!

Well, that’s a low note on which to end!  But…its’ reality, and it’s my Soul Story for today… one of thankfulness and blessings, of the mailbox and the inbox being full of greetings and well wishes, and in amongst it all, the reality of aging.

Blessings to all,

Carolyn